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Horoscopes

Luke Kohler, Junior Staff Writer

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Aries (March 21-April 19)– The stars are postitioned in your favor for the whole month, so go ahead and
ask your crush to homecoming. There is no way they will say no. Also, buy as many scratch offs as you
can.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)– You are feeling overwhelmed by the start of the school year. No worries, Hurri-
cane Irma will make its way to Kansas and wash away all your problems.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)– Good news: you meet the love of your life this week! Bad news: they watch
NASCAR.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)– DO NOT ASK YOUR CRUSH TO HOMECOMING!!!!!! They will metaphori-
cally rip your heart in half and literally rip your sign in half.

Leo (July 23-August 22)– You will be visited by a large black dog on the next full moon. Follow it to the
nearest corn field. The fate of the world is in your hands.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)– You are the coolest person ever, also the person trying to figure out
your secrets will never be successful.

Libra (September 23-October 22)– You will wake up next to a big, juicy hamburger. If you eat it, you will
die.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)– The next Fifty Cent Corn Dog Day isn’t close enough. Make a peti-
tion.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)– Those selfies you took in 7th grade will come back to haunt you
this month. Do not accept your uncle’s facebook friend request.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)– Kim Jong-un appears to you in a dream, offer him fried catfish
and Sunny D. Or else…

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)– Buy the new Taylor Swift song. You don’t want her on your bad
side. Also, steer clear of snakes.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)– The next person to offer you a piece of gum is from the future. It’s you.

 

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Horoscopes